Motherlessness

Motherlessness, like joblessness, this state

I have entered, with my children

far away from home,

and my mother gone from this world:

a day of reminders in the farmer’s market,

abundant with babies and mothers,

toddlers and grandmothers, among the strawberries,

a day that proclaims itself dedicated

to the appreciation of mothers

makes me feel use-less.

 

My self-esteem is on the line,

now I am laid off too, dispensable,

the job eliminated  after all these years,

there was never a paycheck but 

the loss of  my worth measured by

a day of  no cards and flowers.

 

Like all the others, who by no fault of their own

when they loose their jobs

are still shamed by the myths of success

they were told we achieve for ourselves

I too am   framed by the stories I was raised on

alive in this  country even as  childbirth

is now an  uninsurable condition.

But still how lucky  I am to have two daughters

born in another time,

 and a mother, who did not live to see this

world in such shambles.

 

And perhaps it will all be worth something much more

than this day of feeling forgotten,  someday

this future that my daughters are preparing for us

as they work so hard to learn the language of repair.

Post Cards

#1

You may have noticed that I have not written for some time now.

So much for my promise for daily blog entries until J got a job.

As the months go on with no job offers I grow increasingly weary.

I don't even  have the energy to search out the support group I need to manage my anxiety, aimed at  spouses of the unemployed.  Yet, there are still beautiful days and the virtual gift cards we decided he would give me, in lieu of a birthday present. 

#2

There is the communication support group we have joined. It helps to be listened to for five minutes, no advise, criticism, question. This is supplemented with post it notes giving appreciations like:  I am so grateful that you are shopping, doing the laundry and cooking dinner a few nights a week.

#3

There is also music.  How fortunate we are that he can still sing and sing and sing.

#4

And then there is the interview with Obama in last week's New York Times Magazine.  This is my response:   You talk  about the value of a college education, as a preventive measure against possible unemployment. As a means towards a solid middle class life. WEll, then, there is clearly something not being said  if my highly experienced, educated, intelligent engineer trained husband cannot get work . And he is in a support group of at least 20 others just like him. It's been 6 months now for all of them.  What is the next step?

#5

Maybe it's in the next article in the Magazine.  It's about the social support system in the Netherlands. I need to live in a place like this, where unemployment insurance never runs out, where $5000 is returned to your bank account, out of the taxes that you paid, to assure that you can take a vacation. For 1 whole month a year.  And even if you are unemployed, as you may need this more than ever.